It seems I spoke too soon last week when I stated that Clare was yet to respond to my advice with regards to her relationship with her insecure boyfriend:

From: "Clare Knight" {clareknight@optushome.com.au}
Subject: RE: You Obviously Need A Better Boyfriend
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 18:06:49 +1000

You don't know who you are fucking with, so I suggest you shut your fucking mouth and get a life, you desperate dirty mother fucker. I never gave you my e-mail so maybe this will teach you a lesson. Keep going dickhead and I suggest you watch your back... or you'll know what being a poofta feels like.

Nice try, Clare, you almost did it this time but you just had to go and misspell “poofter”. Really, did it save you that much time and effort to type just one less character? It’s just sloppiness, pure and simple. I must admit, though, it was a pretty good effort using the word “fuck” three times in the same sentence, each with different semantics.

Now, let’s evaluate these little statements of yours:

1. No, I suppose I don’t really know who you are (do feel free to fill me in, though, I would so like to know) so I can give you 1 point there.
2. Let’s see - you’re sending me abusive emails, making a mountain of a molehill, and I’m using them to amuse myself and my friends. Who’s got the happier life, then? Minus 1 point for inaccuracy and using a terrible cliché.
3. “Desperate”, hardly; “dirty”, I suppose I am guilty of that occasionally but not in the sense you mean; “mother fucker”, come on, you could do better than that. Another point lost.
4. It’s true that you didn’t give me your address so full credit there. Your hollow attempt at gaining the moral high ground, though, will earn you a big fat 0.
5. What a creative threat, combining just the right amount of detail and ambiguity. Extra marks there but you would, of course, lose them if nothing comes of it. Empty threats are so tedious.

Overall, I’m going to give your message 5 out of 10 but mostly because of its entertainment value. Better luck next time.